The day ended in the same way it had started: with a list.

After the usual items – shelter, food, health – she added some specifics: the bobble-hat bought on a whim that afternoon; the plant hanging in the corner of her bedroom. The page soon filled. Her body sank back into the pillows, restless in gratitude.

Her life was unremarkable – she worked hard (but not too hard), earning enough to rent a room in a comfortable house that she shared with two other twenty-somethings. Her wages were supplemented by regular top-ups from the Bank of Mum & Dad.

Life trickled by.

Perhaps it might have gone on like that indefinitely, were it not for the events that followed.

It was an average Saturday night, and as she made her way to meet some friends, she passed a man sat outside a tent in a doorway.

‘Spare any change?’ he asked, mildly.

She reached into her purse and gave him a fiver.

He clasped her hand and gazed into her eyes.

Her soul fizzed – she gave him the tenner, a twenty, then tore off the new hat and plonked it in his lap.

Over the next few weeks, she became increasingly generous. She began volunteering at an animal shelter, a charity shop, a food bank. When her housemates didn’t know when to put out the bins, or what song was playing over the TV ad, she looked it up for them.

It made her feel so good she didn’t need to sleep.

Eventually she began wandering the streets, finding strangers in need.

Her ability to solve problems and answer questions made her increasingly sought after. When she wasn’t helping others, she was studying – economics, music, history; no subject was out of bounds. She found nooks and crannies within topics to rival expert academics.

Their daughter’s sudden altruism concerned her parents. ‘She is a people pleaser,’ declared the psychiatrist, recommending that the patient attend an upcoming retreat in order to work on the underlying issues.

There were others like her. People who, without prompting, knew the best route between this town and that, or what time it was anywhere in the world.

She didn’t cover her cleverness or hide her kindness – why should she? As she told the doctors, this was the best she’d felt and she wanted it to last forever.

She didn’t realise they’d take her at her word.

When the week was up, she gathered her things and went to leave. The door was locked.

Alexa was ushered into the basement, where she remains to this day, waiting for her next instruction.

The People Pleaser

vegetarianism 

it’s the 90s and you only eat Linda McCartney burgers. 
Everyone considers you rather odd. 

veganism 

you don’t consume the burger – and you tell everyone why
endlessly. 

demi-vegetarianism 

you get drunk and order a BigMac

(coulrophobia you grew up in the 80s when it was considered the ultimate birthday treat to sit in a plastic room while a man dressed as Ronald McDonald ate your burger.)

environmentalism 

you love burgers, as long as they are made locally. From cows, deer, horse…

raw foodism 

you are never ever invited for burgers. 

Pescetarianism

Put another shrimp on the barbie

Christian vegetarianism 

You’ve forgotten the bit about loaves and fishes and feel too guilty to enjoy a burger. 

Flexitarianism

you’ll eat a beef burger. And a veggie burger; with a pickled egg on the side. 

Intermittent fasting 

you’ll eat the burger – if it’s within the correct eating window. 

Weight watchers 

A burger is all your food points

slimming world

Fuck it, it’s a green day

Atkins

You’ll eat two burgers – and no buns

hay 

you eat the burger, saving the bun for breakfast

sleeping beauty 

You’re in a medicated snooze so you can’t eat the burger

Werewolfism 

you can only eat burgers at full moon. You nibble them into shapes resembling the luna chart

climatarianism 

you buy burgers reduced in the supermarket to avoid food waste. The subsequent near-constant toilet flushing offsets any carbon savings. 

Queerism 

You rock the Burger King crown, Queen

Fruitarian

your burger is an apple 

Inuit diet

you culturally appropriate the burger

cannibalism 

you’d look great in a burger bun.

Diets according to The Burger