vegetarianism
it’s the 90s and you only eat Linda McCartney burgers.
Everyone considers you rather odd.
veganism
you don’t consume the burger – and you tell everyone why
endlessly.
demi-vegetarianism
you get drunk and order a BigMac
(coulrophobia you grew up in the 80s when it was considered the ultimate birthday treat to sit in a plastic room while a man dressed as Ronald McDonald ate your burger.)
raw foodism
you are never ever invited for burgers.
Pescetarianism
Put another shrimp on the barbie
Christian vegetarianism
You’ve forgotten the bit about loaves and fishes and feel too guilty to enjoy a burger.
Flexitarianism
you’ll eat a beef burger. And a veggie burger; with a pickled egg on the side.
Weight watchers
A burger is all your food points
slimming world
Fuck it, it’s a green day
Atkins
You’ll eat two burgers – and no buns
hay
you eat the burger, saving the bun for breakfast
sleeping beauty
You’re in a medicated snooze so you can’t eat the burger
Werewolfism
you can only eat burgers at full moon. You nibble them into shapes resembling the luna chart
climatarianism
you buy burgers reduced in the supermarket to avoid food waste. The subsequent near-constant toilet flushing offsets any carbon savings.
Queerism
You rock the Burger King crown, Queen
Fruitarian
your burger is an apple
Inuit diet
you culturally appropriate the burger
cannibalism
you’d look great in a burger bun.